My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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