Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
