I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
