It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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