And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
