dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
