If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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