the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
