we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I supernannyed him into submission
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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