Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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