her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
