Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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