thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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