Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
