Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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