Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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