This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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