We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
