had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
