The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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