He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
