If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
