yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
