i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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