I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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