ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize