My sheets look like a crime scene.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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