I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
