Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think I have vodka in my lungs
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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