Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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