I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
