We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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