The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He has the fingertips of a God
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
