dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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