I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
