can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
