hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
