Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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