I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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