we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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