Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
