"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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