sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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