you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
