I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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