Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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