Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
