nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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