mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
