Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
