If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My vagina just clenched in fear
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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