Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
