you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
