Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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