I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
