I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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