Someone shit on the floor
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
