i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Randomize