I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
