I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
