i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
