So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
