what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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